He's the beginning of every page, the opening curtain, grand master on the world's stage We all play, all eyes on him; born in sin, a blank slate, Mona Lisa's smile like a child, no denial written on her face Balancing on a tightrope, in the hall passing love notes starry-eyed, love-crossed walking down the boardwalk, hand-in-hand, me and you; an inception inspired, sparks flying out of a live wire, the start of something new.
Close enough to almost touch, too many sleepless nights in the forest after dark gazing up at the sky through a space in the trees, a canopy, shading in the lines where my scars are written in the stars Drowning in a pool of tears, found a place, my fears can't touch me here.
Do you know, when you have told me to think of you, I have been feeling ashamed of thinking of you so much, of thinking of only you–which is too much, perhaps.
Shall I tell you?
It seems to me, to myself, that no man was ever before to any woman what you are to me–the fullness must be in proportion, you know, to the vacancy…and only I know what was behind–the long wilderness without the blossoming rose…and the capacity for happiness, like a black gaping hole, before this silver flooding.
Is it wonderful that I should stand as in a ream, and disbelieve–not you–but my own fate?
Was ever any one taken suddenly from a lampless dungeon and placed upon the pinnacle of a mountain, without the head turning round and the heart turning faint, as mine do?
And you love me more, you say? Shall I thank you or God? Both,–indeed–and there is no possible return from me to either of you! I thank you as the unworthy may…and as we all thank God. How shall I ever prove what my heart is to you?
How will you ever see it as I feel it? I ask myself in vain. Have so much faith in me, my only beloved, as to use me simply for your own advantage and happiness, and to your own ends without a thought of any others–that is all I could ask without any disquiet as to the granting of it
May God bless you!
10 January 1846
Going to build a castle on all the ruins they left me in, a new religion for everything I stand against Sadistic worship paying more than lip service, I'll take the pleasure with my pain True love is exceptional, two or three times a century, they say, free falling through the stratosphere, elements colliding in my headspace, the catalyst a driving force, a Titan, a godsend falling from heaven with a message: He amuses her, she is in love, he is pure and she is sure this is nature's invention Inspiration takes a toll, every pearl starts out as a grain of sand on the shore, an exacting price for your soul; nothing in the world is worth more.
Standing right behind me, whispering in my ear, long black hair falling over her shoulder, telling me everything I wanted to hear; she was everything I wanted to be, she was perfect, all bones, no claws, the sweetest voice I ever heard, walked next to me down the halls, met me in the bathroom after lunch, always kept her word; all the other girls only knew that when they asked, I already had something to do She knew everything I was hiding, red lines between a gap in my thighs, her dark eyes looked a lot like mine, took everything I threw at her without complaint, sneaking in my room every night when the numbers kept me awake, we counted together, up and down both sides, her hands, my ribs, her fingers, my wrist Counted through every set, every rep all night in my bed until the only color left we could see was red; gone in the morning, but she always stayed, she stays,she's my best friend.
Hood up, head down sneaking back in to my hideout; empty hands at the end of cookie-cutter wrists, a black star fading on the side of my hip: remnants of the life I've lived, the price I paid and what it cost me, the sacrifice I made and why I lost it, too young to be this exhausted. Time has only been kind to my soul, the weight of countless years in my bones, catching every stone they throw, never outgrowing the places we go to hide, to cry, to write; giving in to the chase when it's our life at stake, something to do for it's own sake: exist.
I love you no longer; on the contrary, I detest you. You are a wretch, truly perverse, truly stupid, a real Cinderella. You never write to me at all, you do not love your husband; you know the pleasure that your letters give him yet you cannot even manage to write him half a dozen lines, dashed off in a moment!
What then do you do all day, Madame? What business is so vital that it robs you of the time to write to your faithful lover? What attachment can be stifling and pushing aside the love, the tender and constant love which you promised him? Who can this wonderful new lover be who takes up your every moment, rules your days and prevents you from devoting your attention to your husband? Beware, Josephine; one fine night the doors will be broken down and there I shall be.
In truth, I am worried, my love, to have no news from you; write me a four page letter instantly made up from those delightful words which fill my heart with emotion and joy.
I hope to hold you in my arms before long, when I shall lavish upon you a million kisses, burning as the equatorial sun.
It was over before I knew something had started, bullet wound through the chest, left me broken-hearted; curled up on the bed, all the voices in my head, bleeding through a a white dress Never saw through all the charm, had me backed up against a wall, fed me lines, played with my mind, led me on, then let me fall; it was my first time Your word was law, dazzled by design, those lips could never lie, you caught me unarmed I should have known better; now every time I hear that song, I go back to September It was my fault, a fatal mistake, didn't recognize the sound of heart break; it was never yours to take Gave you my soul, slept in the cold with the wolves, you didn't even know You lived in the light, I come from the shadows, needed the life line I saw you throw This is my life, my world was hidden, there was no key, you were already in it, had me eating out of the palm of your hand, a stranger familiar with my own land There were high seas and high adventure, tall tales and new endeavors, the waves always pull me back to September Couldn't sleep, didn't eat, you were all I could see, coming in clutch right before you leave; no forever, only together, a mind locked in September.
Little birdies talking, heard them chirping in the trees, singing him praises, throwing stones at me. Talk of the whole town painting me red; only one question: was it time well-spent? Waited until I was sleeping to put a gun to my head, caught me off guard, left me for dead, and bleeding. An enemy's enemy becomes your friend... He put the knife in my hand, tore the rib from his side, licked the blood from my lips, his fingerprints the only evidence indented on my thighs. Two lives, one night forever intertwined.
Someone call crowd control, this man is on beast mode; takes up the whole stage, an impossible act to follow Has me on green when he does his thing, screaming his name when he goes extreme I'm at his mercy, crawling on my knees, killing me with those black tees; if love is confession, he's my priest, begging for forgiveness after stealing from his tree His garden is Eden, sipped the wine straight from his cup, heaven on Earth, I'm never leaving He's a life source, an icon for the ages, my daily bread, divine inspiration If there's a line, you know I'll walk it, toes in the sand, no hesitation, leads me straight into temptation I cannot fight, a sweet surrender, the hunt is over, I found the treasure, slow burning through September.